


When You Really, Really Miss Me

by LenaBrightRose



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet Ending, Grief/Mourning, Healing, M/M, Medical Trauma, Recovery, Suicidal Thoughts, Tragedy, life support, makka being good
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-15
Updated: 2019-12-15
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:01:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22186030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LenaBrightRose/pseuds/LenaBrightRose
Summary: When a fateful accident takes all the certainty out of Viktor's life, he has to try and maneuver through the grief and pain of trying to determine what is best for his loved one, and once that is no longer in his hands, how to move on when his whole world was taken from him.In which Yuuri dies, Viktor lives, and he's not the only one left to deal with the aftermath.
Relationships: Christophe Giacometti & Victor Nikiforov, Katsuki Yuuri/Victor Nikiforov, Phichit Chulanont & Victor Nikiforov, Victor Nikiforov & Yuri Plisetsky, Yakov Feltsman & Victor Nikiforov
Comments: 2
Kudos: 8
Collections: Viktuuri Angst Bang 2019





	When You Really, Really Miss Me

God, it was like a nightmare he couldn’t wake up from. No one told him life could change this fast, no one told him everything could go so grey so quickly. If he hadn’t been so focused on his egg frying in the pan that morning. If he’d turned around and swooped Yuuri into his arms for five more minutes to kiss those bowed lips. ‘Ifs’ swirled in his brain as he ran, feet hitting the pavement so hard he felt the reverberation in his teeth and the burn in his lung as he ran as fast as he could. He needed no introduction as he bolted into the hospital waiting room, they were practically already waving him through as he leaned against the front desk, babbling about his fiancé who had been hit by a car and throwing his ID onto the counter. He wasn’t really listening as the nurse who waved him through the door spoke, all he was focused on was Yuuri, but he couldn’t help but absorb some of the information. Contusions and hemorrhaging a result of the traumatic brain injury, surgery had been required but he was already out. He was betrayed by how long it took them to figure out who to call, but the nurse assured him that Yuuri had pulled through the surgery, that though it was dire there was hope. All he needed to do now was be watched and waited upon. 

A hush seemed to fall over his mind and body as he was ushered into the room, the nurse standing behind him. Yuuri lay in the bed, attached to monitors and tubes and nothing else mattered except the fact that he was breathing. He was sobbing before he knew it, fingers pressed to his mouth as he shuddered, approaching and leaning over the bed, free hand hovering over his face. “Is... is he stable?” he asked, voice small as he stared. The nurse shifted behind him. 

“Well yes, not quite out of the woods yet I fear. We have to wait for his brain to heal,” she said quietly, but her voice was calm, assuring. “Is there anything I can do for you?” she asked kindly. “anyone I can call to let know you are here?” He almost waved her away until he remembered that he wasn’t the only one who cared about Yuuri, and that his family certainly deserved to know as well. He relayed their number after briefly fumbling with his phone, and the nurse assured him that she would make all the proper arrangements. 

**********

It only took a day for the Katsukis to arrive in Russia, which was remarkable timing considering how quickly they needed flights and the language difference, but between Mari’s phone translating skills and the calls to Viktor for him to help them through broken English they made it to the hospital and Viktor was enveloped in a warm mama Katsuki hug. He clutched at her, bent nearly in half as she pulled him down to rest his head on her shoulder. They had been assured of Yuuri’s stable condition over the phone, but Viktor was surprised that they even spared him a glance when their baby boy was lying on the bed. He was grateful for the hugs though, Hiroko’s warm arms around him holding him tight and close was comforting, and he swallowed hard to try and choke down the tears that filled his throat. It had been a long day without them here, and he hoped that with them nearby he would have the strength to go on. 

Of course, with them here he actually had to be relatively responsible despite trying his hardest to do otherwise. It wasn’t long before Mari noticed he was staying too long, near Yuuri’s bed constantly like a moth to flame, and finally Mari called him on it. 

“You should probably go home,” Mari said quietly, hovering near the doorway. He looked up and gave a small smile. 

“I don’t really feel comfortable with that,” he shook his head. “If there’s a development I would like to be here.” 

“Does your coach know you are here?” she asked and he gave a tiny wince. He had gotten several calls from Yakov and texts but hadn’t answered them yet... he definitely needed to do that. 

“No, I probably should though,” he sighed. “I’ve been preoccupied...” 

“Sitting around staring at Yuuri won’t either. Give him a call,” she prompted. “It will make him feel better. And he can bring you anything you need. You’ve barely even left this room for anything.” 

Her words struck home and he looked to Yuuri once more before standing and moving to the hallway to give Yakov a well-deserved phone call. The expected yelling happened, but Yakov was surprisingly receptive when he heard the break in Viktor’s voice and his own voice leveled out into something serious as he asked for Viktor’s location and if he needed anything. Once Viktor spilled everything Yakov forgot about yelling and just asked what Viktor needed, careful to ensure that his tone was even and soft. 

Simple requests were all Viktor could even think of, soap and shampoo, the stuff from Viktor’s apartment which Yakov still had a key to, and Yakov was thoughtful enough to bring other things, changes of clothes, comfort snacks, hairbrush and comb and razor just to help Viktor feel more like a human again. Viktor didn’t have to offer him much help in finding the hospital or room, Yakov seemed to work his magic and less than an hour after their call he appeared at the door, holding a weekender bag in one hand. He didn’t speak before he hugged Viktor tightly to his chest, as if he could right the world with one big dad hug. 

Yakov’s face twisted a little in disapproval. “You smell, Vitya,” he said and Viktor huffed, laughter in short supply but Yakov’s brutal honesty never failing to cheer him a little. 

“I know,” he scratched a hand over his stubble as if to illustrate just how tired he was. “I know, but I had to wait for my special body wash, ya know?” he said, attempt at being vapid and lighthearted not fooling his coach. 

“Mmmph,” Yakov hummed, handing the bag over and clapping a hand onto Viktor’s shoulder. “Sleep. You need it.” Yeah, he needed it, but Yuuri needed him more, and Viktor would rather never sleep again than leave Yuuri alone again. He nodded and Yakov surprised him once more by pulling him close and hugging him tightly. “If you need anything, Vitya, I’m here.” 

Yakov had only extended that offer once to Viktor before, when he picked him up after a two week bender at the ripe age of sixteen that had ended with Viktor’s hair shorn short and ugly to his scalp, bruises around his wrists, and a silent ride in the back of Yakov’s car. Viktor had expected screaming, yelling, Yakov telling him now _disappointed_ he was, but none of that happened. When Yakov opened his door for him the look he gave him was more concerned than condemning and as he helped teenaged Viktor out of the car his voice was quiet. 

“You know if you are in trouble, I will always help you,” he had said quietly, and Viktor heard the echo in the words he spoke. 

Without a word Viktor dropped his head to Yakov’s shoulder and swallowed hard, collecting himself in the arms of the man who had been as much of a father figure to him as anyone ever had. Yakov held him, a big hand patting reassuringly against his back. “Are you sure you want to stay here?” he asked quietly as Viktor relaxed. “Your bedroom at home is open,” he said gruffly. Viktor sniffed but nodded, endeavoring to compose himself as he straightened and stepped away. 

“It’s alright, really. They made up a cot for me,” he smiled. He didn’t mention that he hadn’t slept in it since he had gotten there, choosing to let Yakov believe he could possibly get a good night’s sleep with his fiancé lying in the hospital bed fighting for his life. Mari took the cot sometimes, after he had assured her over and over that yes, he would be happier lying beside Yuuri and that he had no use for it. The Katsukis didn’t spend the night too often after the first initial days, however, Viktor arranging for them to be taken care of while he refused to leave the hospital room for more than a cafeteria lunch or cup of coffee. 

Yakov looked at him like he could see writing on the wall; The same writing that the aides saw, that the nurses and doctors saw, that the Katsuki’s saw as well. Viktor stared back bravely, proud and tall and ignorant of quite how haggard he really looked when he pretended to be better than he was. “Really, I’ll be okay. Thanks for coming though. I appreciate it,” he said, lifting the bag as he stepped back and Yakov sighed but nodded. 

“Okay, call if you need anything else, or text me. I’ll try my best to get it to you when you need it.” Yakov’s eyes shifted to the body in the bed one last time, then he stepped away and waved a goodbye before vanishing through the door. 

***********

Viktor jolted for a second, the blinking red lights on the clock reading 5:00AM and he started to sit upright from where he was lying in Yuuri’s bed alongside his fiancé, but a gentle hand settled on his brow and he looked across the bed to see Hiroko’s glasses gleaming in the low light from the hallway. 

“Katsuki-san...” he started and she shushed him quietly. 

She frowned, fingers plucking at Viktor’s fringe worriedly, eyebrows pressed together. “Vik-chan, go to sleep,” she whispered and he gave a soft sigh, scrubbing his hand across his face. 

“I don’t know that that will work,” he sighed, trying to sit up but Hiroko put her hand on her shoulder and her mouth skewed. 

“You need to sleep. You’re always awake, you take such good care of my baby but he wouldn’t want to see you like this.” He gave a warbling smile but Hiroko was firm. “Please, go to sleep. I promise I will wake you up if something happens.” She returned her hand to his brow, stroking his hair gently, returning her gaze to Yuuri so Viktor wouldn’t have to try to rest under a mother’s gaze. It didn’t seem like she was going to let him get up and care for his fiancé in the middle of the night, so he had no real choice but to shut his eyes, pay attention to the soothing fingers across his brow, lulling him to sleep again. 

When he woke again one of her hands was still in his hair, her other one petting Yuuri’s cheek and speaking to his softly in Japanese. He remained still and silent for a long while, a motherly hand comforting in an unfamiliar way. He had left motherly comfort behind when he was just a boy, it seemed to be a trend with Yakov’s skaters, and Viktor had assumed that he had left that desire to be loved and cherished behind. Apparently not. It was peaceful, hearing her chatter away at her son in an amicable voice. He caught words like aft ernoon, good weather, window, basic things he remembered learning with Yuuri. It seemed like she was chatting with him about the events of the weekend, not that it had been particularly eventful for any of them. He heard his name mentioned and cracked an eye open to see Hiroko staring down at him with a fond smile on her face. She stroked his brow, attention diverted to him. 

“Good morning, Vik-chan,” she greeted him softly, as if Yuuri was still sleeping and would wake if they were too loud. 

“Morning,” he said, shifting till he was propped up against the pillows, noting with surprise that the month had been changed on the calendar. How long had it been? He knew that days had passed but certainly not an entire month. Hiroko followed his gaze and frowned, nodding. 

“Too much time,” she said sadly, and he didn’t quite know what that meant so he didn’t question it. Sometimes it was better not to know. He laid back down, sinking again into silence and relishing into the softness he still felt from residual sleepiness. Ten more minutes, he decided. Ten more minutes of pretending everything was okay, and he went back to sleep. 

He was awoken by the aide taking Yuuri’s vitals, trying to work around him apologetically, looking blearily up at their grimace as they woke him accidentally. “Sorry about that,” the aide said, smiling softly, and Viktor shifted to let the aide work, watching and feeling his heart ache. Yuuri’s expression didn’t change an iota and Viktor’s fingers twined into Yuuri’s. The aide finished up pretty quickly, leaving Viktor alone with his fiancé. He shifted slightly, hovering over Yuuri, dropping the softest little kiss to Yuuri’s chilly nose. 

_Will you hate me, Yuuri, if I say I’m tired?_

Viktor’s breath hitched and he stroked Yuuri’s dark hair from his pale, clammy forehead. “ _Dusha_ _moya_ ,” he whispered. “Please, open your eyes. Open your eyes for me.” When there was no response he dropped his head to the pillow beside Yuuri, lips moving with words he couldn’t force out of his constricting throat. They had tried to tell him he couldn’t stay in the bed with Yuuri, but it was hard to deny the red rimmed eyes and the shameless begging. He held Yuuri’s hand, careful not to jostle the IV as he watched his ragged breath move Yuuri’s eye lashes and soft curled hairs. They always curled when they got too long before a haircut, and Viktor gave the softest of shaking sighs as he ran his fingers through it. 

Suddenly the air got too thick in the room. His struggle to breath was only overcome when he stumbled out of the room, clutching at his chest as emotion overcame him. What was he doing? What was happening to him? He felt like he was going insane, pretending not to notice the looks that he was given, the days passing with little news from the doctors and nurses, and the way the daily reports of Yuuri were regulated to simple repetitive phrases consisting mostly of ‘no change’ and ‘as per usual’. 

Days were whirring past and yet it still seemed the same. His phone hadn’t been charged for days and every time he pulled it out of his pocket he was surprised to see the dead screen. The white noise of the ward that had been so loud when he first came was his new silence, and any change in the rhythmic chaos was noteworthy. Even the Katsukis’ presence was now the usual, despite it having been a shock at the beginning. He endeavored to calm himself, breathing deep, taking moments to think of the good things that brightened his day. It was getting harder now. Finally when he collected himself enough to go back in he saw the Katsukis’ huddled together around Yuuri’s bed, hands gripping together as they conversed. 

They spoke softly in Japanese, struggling to communicate with each other in English. Normally it wasn’t a problem, Yuuri was always there to whisper to Viktor a quick translation, but he wasn’t able to give any input now. He caught small, useless words that gave him no context, and felt himself getting frustrated. Mari eyed him, and finally said something to her mother who turned around and beckoned Viktor close. He came eagerly, grateful to be included, but was surprised when Mari stepped away with Toshiya a little to afford Hiroko and Viktor a little privacy. 

Hiroko slid her hands into his, and when she looked at him he was struck by the weariness in the soft dark eyes behind glasses peering up at him. “Yuuri... Yuuri is asleep, yes?” Her English was careful and slow, trying to make herself understood. 

He nodded, rubbing his thumbs across the backs of her hands. Her skin was papery, cool under his thumbs. They were very unlike Yuri’s hands, which were warm and tender to the touch, softened with lotion that Viktor carefully rubbed into his skin. She spoke again and he had to snap himself back to reality. 

“He needs to rest. He’s a good boy, he needs to sleep.” 

He didn’t enjoy what his brain went to, but he didn’t pull his hands away. “I’m sorry?” he asked, knitting his brow as he cocked his head slightly, a knot of dread pooling in his stomach. 

Her lips pursed as she reached for words that were hard to say, but needed to be put out into the open. He deserved to know. “Yuuri needs to go to sleep, he needs rest. It is not good for him to be so, so, still. Yes? He needs sleep, yes?” Viktor shook his head, brows knitting. 

“Hiroko-mama... He’s a fighter. He can make this. He can get through it he just needs a little help. He’ll be off the ventilator in no time, please,” he whispered. Hiroko pulled her hands away from his and moved them up to clasp his face. 

“Vik-chan, I don’t want to see my baby suffer.” The crack in her voice sealed it and she suddenly looked so old and fragile. Tears glimmered behind her glasses, and the tremble in her hands quivered on his stubbled cheeks. “He’s not meant to be like this.” 

“If... if it’s the money I will pay for all the hospital bills.” His voice was quiet but shaky. What other reason could there be other than financial strain? Viktor knew that the onsen didn’t bring in a lot of money, and in that case Viktor was more than willing to do whatever he could. Hiroko inhaled sharply but he dove right on in anyways. “It’s alright if you go back. I can take care of Yuuri here, it won’t be a problem I promise. You won’t have to worry about him lacking care; I’ll be here every step of the way. I’ll pay for everything, I-” Hiroko’s sob broke through his babbling and she hugged him tightly. 

“Vik-chan, you are so good, so good to my baby boy, but can’t you see... Can’t you see that he isn’t getting any better? I worry about both of you if this goes on. The doctor said... said....” she mumbled something in Japanese as she tried to form words. “The doctor said he is not going to wake up, yes?” 

“No. He’ll wake up. He has to wake up,” Viktor argued, and Hiroko didn’t say anything else, just shuffled away with her head downcast. Viktor could _feel_ eyes staring into the back of his head, just like he used to feel Yuuri’s, and when he turned to wasn’t in the least bit surprised to see that Mari as well had those same eyes. Which of the parents they inherited that shared trait from, Viktor would never know. It did catch him by surprise when she reached forward and grabbed his arm though; she had never been more than mild to him, with a vague sheen of indifference that had shifted into almost caring. She loved her baby brother, and what made him happy was Viktor, so her love, faint as it may be, extended to Viktor as well. She pulled him out the door, nearly off balancing both of him as she dragged him around the corner in the hallway. 

As Mari pulled him aside her fingers dug into his arms. “Stop it,” she snapped. “You’re not the only one hurting. It’s not your decision to make.” 

“How can you say that?” he choked out. “He’s your brother! You should want him to live! There’s still a chance—” She hit him. Not hard, her fist shaking as it connected with his chest. Mari had never touched him before, despite the rest of the family warming up to him enough to be comfortable with brief contact. Her words were far more unsettling than the punch. 

“How long are you going to make my parents wait, Viktor? He’s unresponsive, has been for months. The only reason they’ve waited this long is for _you_. They’re waiting for you to make your peace.” The words hit home though he resisted them with everything he had. He would rather die than let Yuuri go… but in the end it wasn’t his choice at all. The realization left an acrid taste in his mouth worse than the bitter hospital coffee. Mari stared at him for a few moments longer as if waiting for him to lose his balls, but when he didn’t say anything she assumed him stunned into silence and she left to rejoin her parents in the room. 

The second the door swung shut behind Mari he tried to take a breath, a shuddering inhale that felt more like trying to jam needles down his constricting throat than anything that provided oxygen to his body. The wall was cold against his back, and the sob he bit down made his knees buckle. He sank to a crouch on the floor, pressing his hand against his eyes as his eyes stung. Dry sobs choked him and he pursed his lips, trying to keep them covert. No one came out to comfort him, no voices but the ones in his head telling him that if he’d _just_ been there none of this would've happened. If he hadn’t been an asshole, if he hadn’t told Yuuri teasingly it would be better for his figure if he ran to the rink, if he’d just put down his eggwhite omelet for just _one second_ to spend some time with his love.... then Yuuri would be with him. They wouldn’t be in some hospital fighting together for Yuuri’s life alongside a well-equipped team of doctors that still wasn’t enough. 

The doctor was in the room when Viktor finally got himself together enough to see through the bleariness of tears, and his heart clenched to see Hiroko and Toshiya poring over some paperwork, holding each other as Hiroko held a shaky pen. Her written English was better than Toshiya’s—that is to say, existent at all—but all she really needed was initials and a signature. In times when humans felt attacked they opted for one of three options. Fight, flight, or freeze. Viktor had never before felt the urge to _hurt_ so strongly till now, when he wanted to press into the room, shove everyone out of it and protect Yuuri with his life. He didn’t realize he was on his feet till he was pressing into the room, hands grabbing at the clipboard, begging. Luckily his more civil side won out. 

“A few more days. That’s all I want. Please that is all I need, I-” Mari grabbed him and yanked him back, grabbing his shirt with both hands and wrestling him back. 

“Viktor _stop_ ,” she snapped, reeling him away, blunt nails digging through his shirt into his skin. He was sure he would have marks but he didn’t care. 

“No!” he yelled, voice echoing in the room with despair and desperation. “No I’m not going to stop and just let you kill him!” 

Mari leaned close nearly baring her teeth. “I will have them take you out of this room,” she said, her voice clear and sharp, “if you don’t stop this right now.” His hands clenched into fists but his eyes widened as Hiroko grabbed him from behind, her short yet strong arms crushing him tightly to her chest. 

“Vik-chan, shhh, shhh.” He felt her face press against his shoulder blade and his head dropped as one hand moved to rub his back, chest heaving but no sound coming out of his throat as she gently pulled him into a chair, holding him close. She was speaking, whispering soothingly as he pressed his face into his hands. Mari glared at him still but he didn’t care, and Hiroko held him until he was left with no fight in him. Fat tears rolled down his cheeks and dripped off the heels of his hands as they quietly finished the paper. It was done, yet Viktor couldn’t accept it. 

“Let me say goodbye,” he whispered, and there was dead silence before Mari finally translated begrudgingly. Another round of silence and Hiroko was murmuring a soft assent and she motioned Toshiya and Mari out of the room before leaning down to drape her arms around Viktor’s shoulders, kissing his forehead gently before following her family out. 

Viktor wasted no time in moving to seat himself on the edge of the bed, leaning down to cup Yuuri’s face, lips trembling as he pressed them to Yuuri’s forehead before pressing their brows together. He sniffed, taking a shuddering breath as he tried to control himself. “ _Svet_ _ochey_ _moih_ , come back to me. Please, I can’t do this without you. I can’t live without you by my side. I need you, I need you, I need you, _wake up._ ” His hands fell to the side as he dropped his head to Yuuri’s shoulder. Goodbye was too hard to do in words, so Viktor shifted, moving to lie next to his fiancé, resting his head on Yuuri’s shoulder and arm over his stomach as he closed his eyes. He focused on Yuuri’s breathing, pulling memories of them collapsing together on hotel beds after competitions that sapped all strength out of them. Yuuri breathed like this when he slept deeply, when Viktor pressed him to his limits in practice or fucked him out of his mind. It was the only thing that got him through the night sometimes, but now he wasn’t sure that even this could keep him together knowing that it would all end in a heartbeat. 

All too soon Mari came back in the room and his gut twisted to see her red rimmed eyes. She seemed much more subdued and she came to the bedside, rubbing her brother’s shoulder as she looked at Viktor. “May my parents come back in?” It wasn’t really a request, just the polite way of informing him of what was going to happen. He nodded, eyes fixed on Yuuri’s cheek. He inhaled and slowly sat up, pulling away from his darling. He stroked one cheek before sliding off the bed and fixing his shirt as Yuuri’s parents reentered the room somberly. There was no doubt they both understood the turmoil he was going through, and their expressions matched. 

Viktor made to leave but Hiroko grabbed his arm, shaking her head. “Together,” she said. “Please stay.” Viktor’s pride wasn’t about to stop him from doing that, and he turned on his heel to take back the seat that had become his home for the past few months and taking Yuuri’s hand. Hiroko seated herself on the other side of the loveseat next to Viktor, looping her arm through the crook of his elbow and used both of her hands to clasp her son and future son in law’s hands together. She rested her head on Viktor’s arm, looking so very small. He didn’t want to pull away from her because he knew that she was suffering as much as he was, and they needed to stick together, but what were they supposed to do when they were on opposing sides? He understood where they were coming from, needing to know their Yuuri’s soul was free, but he needed to cling to Yuuri. He wanted to be the knight in shining armor for his Yuuri, to save him when no one else could, but he was defied by the dragon of medical professionalism and the broken lance of a family who was too heartbroken to go on. He was quiet as he sat, tears filling his eyes and being suppressed in waves. Ever so slowly he collapsed till his head was resting on the edge of the bed, and silence reigned across the room till Mari spoke up, first in Japanese, then again in English for Viktor’s benefit. 

“When Yuuri was little he would go out when it rained and collect the worms from the sidewalk because he didn’t like when people would step on them. He would put them all in a jar and then fill it with dirt and bring it inside.” She smiled, lips twitching shakily as she tried to keep herself together. “For some reason he thought it was a good idea to keep them in the kitchen. _Haha_ accidentally kicked the jar where he was keeping it under the table and it broke and worms and dirt went _everywhere_.” She chuckled and Hiroko hid her face as she laughed brokenly. Even Viktor had to smile at that, imagining his darling Yuuri as a child. He’d seen pictures but Yuuri was stingy with the embarrassing stories, choosing to blush and ignore him instead of feeding him blackmail.

Before he knew it they were passing the night in a vigil of sorts, passing around paper cups of green tea and telling stories of moments in Yuuri’s life. Pity it couldn’t last. 


End file.
